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All: 1. All human beings, without exception. This is the sense used when the Bible says how bad we all are, or how we all deserve God’s wrath.

2. A very small minority of people. This is the sense used when the Bible describes God’s love, mercy, or saving grace.

Church: A building. Visit the right one every week or you’re going to hell.

Death: The separation of soul and body, which renders God powerless and His gospel of no avail.

Eternal Death: A neat little made-up term to explain away the fact that most Hell Preachers teach the serpent’s lie “ye shall not surely die”.

Eternity: Something a person enters into at death which completely separates that person from God’s mercy.

Free Will: A nice excuse that allows an irresponsible parent to blame everything on his child. A justification for abdicating one’s parental responsibility to take care of one’s children.

Gospel: A vaccine for Hell. It can keep you from going there, but it cannot get you out. To avail yourself of it, you must love God with all your heart or he’ll torture you for eternity.

Heaven: Spending eternity with the God Who cast your loved ones into eternal fire for not knowing about Him.

Hell: Eternal separation from said loving God. Also a lake of fiery torment.

Holiness: An attribute of God, opposed to His love, which justifies any cruel and inhumane thing He is said to do.

Jesus: The Son of God Who died to save you. Unfortunately, unless you ask Him to do so before you die, He will fail you.

Justice: Vindictive unending punishment which accomplishes nothing. See also Holiness.

Lake of Fire: See Hell.

Mercy: An attribute of God, opposed to justice, which ceases to operate upon death.

Righteousness: 1. In humans, a bad thing. 2. In God, see Holiness.

Salvation: God’s free gift to all who are lucky enough to hear about it and smart enough to take it. The rest of you can go to Hell!

Savior of the World: Savior of believers.

Sin Nature: Something God puts in infants so He can justly send them to hell.

Soul: The essential nature of a person, which God created immortal so that He could torment it if the person screwed up.

Victory: He did the best He could!

Wicked: Evil, God-hating. Everyone from Joseph Stalin to Mother Teresa is born and lives this way, and thus deserves “eternal death”.

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